Hello World,
I should have known. How could I be so stupid.
(slaps forehead)
There is another screamwriter out there. Uh huh. Yup. I need to change my name. I have to be singular. Unique. I must find a new name. Must ...find...new...name.
Oh well. Give me a few days. I'll come up with something. Remember, baby steps.
___________________________________
Ok, so here's my dilemma. I have five finished screenplays. Each a different genre: one comedy, one gangster flick, a suspense thriller (It has ghosts in it and people are frightened. I actually shit a brick writing it), a poker movie, and a love story. Ahhhhhh, isn't that nice.
It has taken me five years. Five years of sporadic writing mixed in with bouts of self doubt, self loathing, writers block and serious procrastination, all the while holding down a job that I hated. (needed to eat and pay bills; you know, the same old working class hero bullshit). So now, as yesterdays post will attest, I finally gave up my job, and I am devoting my life to writing full time.
Part of the problem of course is: my family still needs to eat, and I still have bills to pay. I know, you're probably looking for your cheque book right now. Hey man, its OK. I won't ask for your help until I'm in some Dickens debtors prison with my bowl of gruel and people keep calling me Noddy Chuzzlewit.
Another part of the problem is bad timing. As some of you are aware (television and screenwriters especially), there is a writers strike going on. Any material sent to production houses now would be looked upon as rather scabbish and even if you were lucky enough to sell the script: does the line "you'll never work in this town again" bear any fruit on the other-writers-around-the-world-hate-your-guts tree?
So here I am with five screenplays, no agent, a writers strike, and 2800 miles from LA LA land. Snow balls chance in hell? Any suggestions? U huh. really?
Well, I'll tell you what: "give up" is not in my vocabulary mister! You hear me you rat bastards!
So if there are any positive suggestions out there I'd love to hear from you.
I'm feeling the love already.
In the meantime, here's a one page script treatment of what should be a familiar movie to you. If its not, then you're stupid.
For your perusal:
JAWS
Ext: - underwater - night
Shark
Not a fuckin' thing to eat around here.
Not a fuckin' thing to eat around here.
Ext: - beach - night
Blond Bimbo
I'm drunk. I think I'll go skinny dipping in the foreboding chilly waters of the North Atlantic.
College Jock
I'm drunk too. I'll watch. Damn zipper. How do you take clothes off again? Hey! wait for me.
I'm drunk. I think I'll go skinny dipping in the foreboding chilly waters of the North Atlantic.
College Jock
I'm drunk too. I'll watch. Damn zipper. How do you take clothes off again? Hey! wait for me.
The college jock passes out as the Blond Bimbo, ass gleaming in the moonlit night, runs into the water.
Blond Bimbo
Hey come on in! Lets swim to England!
College Jock
zzzzzzz
Hey come on in! Lets swim to England!
College Jock
zzzzzzz
Ext: underwater - night
Shark
I love this creepy music that plays every time I'm in a scene. Hey look at that ass. Yum Yum. If I wasn't so hungry I'd ...I'd...shit man, hunger wins.
I love this creepy music that plays every time I'm in a scene. Hey look at that ass. Yum Yum. If I wasn't so hungry I'd ...I'd...shit man, hunger wins.
The shark attacks by pushing Blond Bimbo to Nantucket and back.
Blond Bimbo
Ouch!
Int- Brody House - morningOuch!
Chief Brody
Gotta go Honey
Ellen Brody
Something wrong?
Chief Brody
In Amity? Nawww. I'm just glad I chose an Island to work on because of my childlike fear of water. Besides, we are too far north for a shark attack.
Ellen
I was just thinking that. I'll go tell the kids to play in the water.
Gotta go Honey
Ellen Brody
Something wrong?
Chief Brody
In Amity? Nawww. I'm just glad I chose an Island to work on because of my childlike fear of water. Besides, we are too far north for a shark attack.
Ellen
I was just thinking that. I'll go tell the kids to play in the water.
Ext: - Beach - Day
The deputy is blowing his whistle. This can be fun for the whole family.
The deputy is blowing his whistle. This can be fun for the whole family.
Chief Brody
Oh My God! Look at all those crabs crawling all over whats left of her mannequin-like hand. Ewwwww, that gives me the willy's. Get some signs we're closing the beach.
Deputy
Mayor wont like it.
Chief Brody
Fuck the Mayor.
Mayor
You can't close the beach.
Chief Brody
OK. I think I'll go get some sun.
Oh My God! Look at all those crabs crawling all over whats left of her mannequin-like hand. Ewwwww, that gives me the willy's. Get some signs we're closing the beach.
Deputy
Mayor wont like it.
Chief Brody
Fuck the Mayor.
Mayor
You can't close the beach.
Chief Brody
OK. I think I'll go get some sun.
Ext - some other beach on the Island only this one has lots of snacks - I mean - people playing and swimming.
Chief Brody
Ha! Fooled him. He thinks I'm sunbathing but really I'm surveying the waters for a shark. Stupid mayor. Holy shit did you see that!
Ellen
What Honey?
Chief Brody
A shark just ate a boy and then a dog and then a yellow flotation device. I draw the line on flotation devices dammit! I'm closing the beach. No more swimming on my watch!
Ellen
I'll go tell the kids to play in another body of water accessible to the shark. Oh and by the way, lets give him a name, lets call him Rusty.
Ha! Fooled him. He thinks I'm sunbathing but really I'm surveying the waters for a shark. Stupid mayor. Holy shit did you see that!
Ellen
What Honey?
Chief Brody
A shark just ate a boy and then a dog and then a yellow flotation device. I draw the line on flotation devices dammit! I'm closing the beach. No more swimming on my watch!
Ellen
I'll go tell the kids to play in another body of water accessible to the shark. Oh and by the way, lets give him a name, lets call him Rusty.
Int - City hall - day
Some really fucked-in-the-head dumb ass is clawing at a conveniently placed chalk board with his finger nails.
Captain Quint
Ya all know me, I'm Robert Shaw. Take your three thousand dollars and shove it. I want one million dollars and for that you get the head, the tail, the gills, the teeth, the dorsal fin, whatever is inside its stomach, and for only an additional 29.95, ya get the whole damn thing.
Chief Brody
Deal!
Mayor
Two million if you can do it in an hour.
Ext:- Dock - day
Ya all know me, I'm Robert Shaw. Take your three thousand dollars and shove it. I want one million dollars and for that you get the head, the tail, the gills, the teeth, the dorsal fin, whatever is inside its stomach, and for only an additional 29.95, ya get the whole damn thing.
Chief Brody
Deal!
Mayor
Two million if you can do it in an hour.
Ext:- Dock - day
Chief Brody
Who are you?
Matt Hooper
I'm Matt Hooper from Marineland, But you can call me Duddy Kravitz. I'm an apprentice shark expert guy. I'll also be providing a lot of the humor for the film.
Quint
Well I'm Robert Shaw and I don't like you. Now tie this knot.
Who are you?
Matt Hooper
I'm Matt Hooper from Marineland, But you can call me Duddy Kravitz. I'm an apprentice shark expert guy. I'll also be providing a lot of the humor for the film.
Quint
Well I'm Robert Shaw and I don't like you. Now tie this knot.
The three men get on Quints boat and head out to sea as Quint sings a hearty yet salty rendition of "Born to Be Wild".
They chase the shark around the water for a while and then harpoon it with big yellow beer barrels. Quint sings the "Roll Out The Barrel" polka.
They chase the shark around the water for a while and then harpoon it with big yellow beer barrels. Quint sings the "Roll Out The Barrel" polka.
Hooper
That sharks a twenty footer.
Quint
Twenty five, three tons of 'em and, I might add, an excellent swimmer.
Chief Brody
Why do I have to throw the fuckin' chum.
That sharks a twenty footer.
Quint
Twenty five, three tons of 'em and, I might add, an excellent swimmer.
Chief Brody
Why do I have to throw the fuckin' chum.
Int - Boat - Night
The men, quieter now after a rockin' day on top of Davey Jones locker, settle in for some rum and tales from the seven seas.
The men, quieter now after a rockin' day on top of Davey Jones locker, settle in for some rum and tales from the seven seas.
Hooper
You were on the Indianapolis?
Quint
Aye. We'd just delivered the bomb. You know, the one that turned the Japanese into fine makers of quality and dependable automobiles .
Chief Brody
I know eh.
Quint
Shuttup. I wasn't talkin' to you.
You were on the Indianapolis?
Quint
Aye. We'd just delivered the bomb. You know, the one that turned the Japanese into fine makers of quality and dependable automobiles .
Chief Brody
I know eh.
Quint
Shuttup. I wasn't talkin' to you.
Suddenly, the Shark who is starting to get a little pissed off with his lack of screen time, attacks the boat. Huey Duey and Luey spend the next day fixing the boat while trying to kill the big fishie. Quint, after the previous nights heart to heart, makes us feel bad because he gets eaten by Rusty the mechanical-shark-that-doesn't-work-very-well (thus the lack of screentime).
Ext: half on the boat, half off - day
We can see now, what we couldn't see before ( because Spielberg knows we're stupid and we fall for maudlin shit like this) and as it turns out, deep down Quint was really a nice guy with bad sideburns and his death does provide the necessary pathos but more importantly it finally got Brody to get off his whiny ass and do something. So the new improved pissed-off Brody throws a scuba tank into Rusty's mouth. Rusty begins to clean his teeth with it. Brody makes a one in a million shot with a wet rifle and blows Rusty up. Duddy Kravitz comes up from his hiding spot at the bottom of the ocean. They swim to shore.
Ext: half on the boat, half off - day
Rusty
Burp.
Burp.
We can see now, what we couldn't see before ( because Spielberg knows we're stupid and we fall for maudlin shit like this) and as it turns out, deep down Quint was really a nice guy with bad sideburns and his death does provide the necessary pathos but more importantly it finally got Brody to get off his whiny ass and do something. So the new improved pissed-off Brody throws a scuba tank into Rusty's mouth. Rusty begins to clean his teeth with it. Brody makes a one in a million shot with a wet rifle and blows Rusty up. Duddy Kravitz comes up from his hiding spot at the bottom of the ocean. They swim to shore.
The End
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